reflections

As the two year anniversary of my reunion rapidly approaches, I have done a lot of reflecting on the before and after .
although I am not completely happy with the changes reunion has made in my life and in my personality. One truth has been emerging, I have choices..
I can choose how I continue to let this impact my daily life, The effects of losing my children has always been a part of me although it was well hidden under layers of protection, tucked safely behind a wall of mistrust and denial, it is now my choice how and when I allow it to surface. I am the master of my own destiny. I am no longer the scared young girl with no options or resources, I now have a voice in how I allow others to treat me and to walk away from those who disrespect me as a mother and as a person.
I recently read another mothers blog regarding what type of adoptee we may find or as in my case who find us,, but what people either fail to see or don't want to admit is that very often we are reunited with children that were abused, neglected, or unable to be the bandaid child that helped some infertile couple complete their lives, very often our children suffer much worse than they would have had they been allowed to stay in their natural families.This truth was not something I had prepared myself for, It continues to be a daily struggle to not own responsibility for the actions of those who inflicted such atrocities on my children. I can express rage and sadness, I can be compassionate and patient during the times when my children need space to breathe and step back, but for me to inflict self blame could very well have deadly results. My only wish would be to one day be able to voice my anger at those who fought so hard to steal my children and then have the nerve to not treat them with unconditional love, My only satisfaction is knowing that Karma is a bitch..
So what do I see in the year to come ? I would like to see a return to the old pre-reunion me but with the satisfaction of knowing where my children are, whats going on in their lives, and finding how and where I fit in their lives.There will be times I'm sure that the sadness of our loss will surface, birthdays, holidays, etc.but I can no longer allow my loss to define my life, its is part of the bigger picture of me, the now complete me. Continued counseling and finally being able to clearly see what a major loss adoption has caused in my life and theirs will finally bring peace to the pieces.

shutting off the mommy button

time to start over again. haven't really had anything worthy of discussion until last night..

The typical scenario regarding any conversation with my 30 year old reunited son usually goes something like this.. let me preface this with he doesn't like talking on the phone so all communication is via text message or aim. which is I guess his way of controlling how often we speak. we have met in person twice in 2 yrs. both week long visits which were emotionally stressful but it was wonderful getting to know my son again.

ca-ching (his aim sound) this sets off my mommy radar. should I or shouldn't I ? thus ensues the inner battle of how long since we last spoke ? will I get a response ? OK be prepared send a short message. usually something like.. hey there hows it going ? then I wait...and wait..and wait..jump over to facebook to see if he is on. yup..wait some more... after about an hour I accept that this will be another unanswered communication. this plays out  for weeks at a time up to months, then eventually i get a reply, I spoke with him last night and this is how the mommy button gets activated...

I always think I am prepared for anything when it comes to communicating with my son . he can be very upbeat and positive one day, and in the depths of despair the next. on his good days the conversation flows easily. we chat about my family and his. how hes adjusting to being back in close proximity to his adoptive parents. ( they are not in contact and haven't been for years. very bad history that i will not go into but understandable if you read any of my other blogs) work, school , basic "normal" conversation if you leave out the Afam.

Then there are the conversation like last night..he was very depressed, his girl friend left him, he's hungry, broke and on the verge of being homeless.everything was negative, as the mom of 2 teens I have been psychologically fitted with a mommy will fix it button. after all isn't that what moms are suppose to do ? when our children are in pain we do everything possible to help them out . Here in lies the rub. I did not raise this now adult person, I had no input into his ability to function as an independent adult. his "parents" are the cause of his rage, they are the dysfunctional adult role models that didn't do a very good job (to put it mildly)
teaching him self worth and determination. So why do I feel that its my job to fix it ? My heart breaks for him, the mommy in me wants to jump on a plane and help my child through the fire. I have to turn off the mommy button, As much as my heart breaks and my soul screams I  can not be mommy and I cant fix him. I have for the most part stopped blaming myself for the damage caused by our separation and that of the evil not fit to be called human (no anger here) ,"parents" I have to flip the switch from mommy to friend, I can be supportive, offer advise, and point out the positive but I can not be mommy and fix it...

One of the most difficult aspects of reunion is coming face to face with what we missed out on in our child's life. finding where we fit in their lives and knowing when to turn off the mommy button.