reflections

As the two year anniversary of my reunion rapidly approaches, I have done a lot of reflecting on the before and after .
although I am not completely happy with the changes reunion has made in my life and in my personality. One truth has been emerging, I have choices..
I can choose how I continue to let this impact my daily life, The effects of losing my children has always been a part of me although it was well hidden under layers of protection, tucked safely behind a wall of mistrust and denial, it is now my choice how and when I allow it to surface. I am the master of my own destiny. I am no longer the scared young girl with no options or resources, I now have a voice in how I allow others to treat me and to walk away from those who disrespect me as a mother and as a person.
I recently read another mothers blog regarding what type of adoptee we may find or as in my case who find us,, but what people either fail to see or don't want to admit is that very often we are reunited with children that were abused, neglected, or unable to be the bandaid child that helped some infertile couple complete their lives, very often our children suffer much worse than they would have had they been allowed to stay in their natural families.This truth was not something I had prepared myself for, It continues to be a daily struggle to not own responsibility for the actions of those who inflicted such atrocities on my children. I can express rage and sadness, I can be compassionate and patient during the times when my children need space to breathe and step back, but for me to inflict self blame could very well have deadly results. My only wish would be to one day be able to voice my anger at those who fought so hard to steal my children and then have the nerve to not treat them with unconditional love, My only satisfaction is knowing that Karma is a bitch..
So what do I see in the year to come ? I would like to see a return to the old pre-reunion me but with the satisfaction of knowing where my children are, whats going on in their lives, and finding how and where I fit in their lives.There will be times I'm sure that the sadness of our loss will surface, birthdays, holidays, etc.but I can no longer allow my loss to define my life, its is part of the bigger picture of me, the now complete me. Continued counseling and finally being able to clearly see what a major loss adoption has caused in my life and theirs will finally bring peace to the pieces.