shutting off the mommy button

time to start over again. haven't really had anything worthy of discussion until last night..

The typical scenario regarding any conversation with my 30 year old reunited son usually goes something like this.. let me preface this with he doesn't like talking on the phone so all communication is via text message or aim. which is I guess his way of controlling how often we speak. we have met in person twice in 2 yrs. both week long visits which were emotionally stressful but it was wonderful getting to know my son again.

ca-ching (his aim sound) this sets off my mommy radar. should I or shouldn't I ? thus ensues the inner battle of how long since we last spoke ? will I get a response ? OK be prepared send a short message. usually something like.. hey there hows it going ? then I wait...and wait..and wait..jump over to facebook to see if he is on. yup..wait some more... after about an hour I accept that this will be another unanswered communication. this plays out  for weeks at a time up to months, then eventually i get a reply, I spoke with him last night and this is how the mommy button gets activated...

I always think I am prepared for anything when it comes to communicating with my son . he can be very upbeat and positive one day, and in the depths of despair the next. on his good days the conversation flows easily. we chat about my family and his. how hes adjusting to being back in close proximity to his adoptive parents. ( they are not in contact and haven't been for years. very bad history that i will not go into but understandable if you read any of my other blogs) work, school , basic "normal" conversation if you leave out the Afam.

Then there are the conversation like last night..he was very depressed, his girl friend left him, he's hungry, broke and on the verge of being homeless.everything was negative, as the mom of 2 teens I have been psychologically fitted with a mommy will fix it button. after all isn't that what moms are suppose to do ? when our children are in pain we do everything possible to help them out . Here in lies the rub. I did not raise this now adult person, I had no input into his ability to function as an independent adult. his "parents" are the cause of his rage, they are the dysfunctional adult role models that didn't do a very good job (to put it mildly)
teaching him self worth and determination. So why do I feel that its my job to fix it ? My heart breaks for him, the mommy in me wants to jump on a plane and help my child through the fire. I have to turn off the mommy button, As much as my heart breaks and my soul screams I  can not be mommy and I cant fix him. I have for the most part stopped blaming myself for the damage caused by our separation and that of the evil not fit to be called human (no anger here) ,"parents" I have to flip the switch from mommy to friend, I can be supportive, offer advise, and point out the positive but I can not be mommy and fix it...

One of the most difficult aspects of reunion is coming face to face with what we missed out on in our child's life. finding where we fit in their lives and knowing when to turn off the mommy button.