reflections

As the two year anniversary of my reunion rapidly approaches, I have done a lot of reflecting on the before and after .
although I am not completely happy with the changes reunion has made in my life and in my personality. One truth has been emerging, I have choices..
I can choose how I continue to let this impact my daily life, The effects of losing my children has always been a part of me although it was well hidden under layers of protection, tucked safely behind a wall of mistrust and denial, it is now my choice how and when I allow it to surface. I am the master of my own destiny. I am no longer the scared young girl with no options or resources, I now have a voice in how I allow others to treat me and to walk away from those who disrespect me as a mother and as a person.
I recently read another mothers blog regarding what type of adoptee we may find or as in my case who find us,, but what people either fail to see or don't want to admit is that very often we are reunited with children that were abused, neglected, or unable to be the bandaid child that helped some infertile couple complete their lives, very often our children suffer much worse than they would have had they been allowed to stay in their natural families.This truth was not something I had prepared myself for, It continues to be a daily struggle to not own responsibility for the actions of those who inflicted such atrocities on my children. I can express rage and sadness, I can be compassionate and patient during the times when my children need space to breathe and step back, but for me to inflict self blame could very well have deadly results. My only wish would be to one day be able to voice my anger at those who fought so hard to steal my children and then have the nerve to not treat them with unconditional love, My only satisfaction is knowing that Karma is a bitch..
So what do I see in the year to come ? I would like to see a return to the old pre-reunion me but with the satisfaction of knowing where my children are, whats going on in their lives, and finding how and where I fit in their lives.There will be times I'm sure that the sadness of our loss will surface, birthdays, holidays, etc.but I can no longer allow my loss to define my life, its is part of the bigger picture of me, the now complete me. Continued counseling and finally being able to clearly see what a major loss adoption has caused in my life and theirs will finally bring peace to the pieces.

lies they told me

I have been considering how to use my blog as a means to define the truth about adoption through a first moms point of view. So in response to adoption awareness month I will use my truth to dispel the lies I was told by those whose only objective was to shatter my self esteem and steal my children to build a family for a more deserving couple. My hope is that one mother considering adoption will stumble upon my words and seek out other moms of adoption loss before giving in to the propaganda and loyalty force fed to vulnerable confused young women.

LIE NUMBER ONE..

You will move on with your life and eventually forget.

This is the most damaging lie told to me in order to take my children. I spent my late teens to 20's wondering what I was doing wrong. because I never forgot. I abused drugs, alcohol, and even had several suicide attempts all in the pursuit of banishing the thoughts of my children from my mind. but every birthday, holiday, and milestone your child reaches from Halloween to starting school awakens a sadness  deep in your soul . but you cant talk about it because youre not suppose to remember and neither will your family and friends. so you will suffer alone in silence praying for peace that will never come. Welcome to the world of PTSD..

which leads me to lie number 2

You will eventually have more children

Yes you may have another child somewhere down the road. that is if your'e lucky enough not to suffer from secondary infertility as  many mothers who surrender do. trauma from previous pregnancies and births might potentially cause secondary infertility. this is medical fact not an opinion.

In my world things were totally opposite. When I finally did have another child 10 years later (beautiful twins boy/girl) my loss returned in waves of guilt, grief and fear.

By this time my surrendered children were 10 and 11 years old. I felt like I was being disloyal to them for having more children. I was overwelmingly sad knowing that somewhere out there these beautiful babies had siblings that they would never know. and the constant fear that something would happen to cause me to lose these babies too. I quickly became an overly protective, compulsively attentive mother. every cry whimper, diaper rash and minor illness that all babies experience sent me into a panic. I was so engulfed by the negatives that I spent very little time apreciating the joy of being a mom. It took me a couple of years to finally relax enough to realize that these children were really mine. and that no harm would come to them . these beautiful babies are now going on 20 years old and I can see the lasting imprints of my loss in them. they are my "over" children. over protected, over indulged . I love them with all my heart and they got the best possable mom they could have. but looking back I can clearly see that everything I did for them and with them was a way of showing everyone around me who had refused to help me keep my children that I was a perfect mom.

My message to any woman concidering adoption..

know that it WILL affect your entire life.

you will not forget..

consider ALL of your options. if you are not presented with the option and help available to raise your child , you havent been given true options.

search out moms who had their children taken through adoption years ago . not the rainbow farting I made the right choice ones pushed on you by the agencies.

know the truth...

Women who surrendered children to adoption most often have great difficulties in getting on with their lives and endure a vast array of psychological problems stemming from the separation such as: relationship difficulties, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Secondary Infertility.

The most sacred event in the world (birth) and the most sacred relationship in the world (mother and child) is totally disrespected. And then everyone is told that everything is okay and the losses are treated as non-existent.

just the facts mam..sons vs daughters

I want to preface this entry by saying that I have always loved and missed both of my twins equally. but this entry is about the loss and reunion of my daughter.

On a daily basis I am reminded how we have to treasure every minute of togetherness we have with our reunited children. I never took being with her or my grandchildren for granted. I was thrilled to be an over night grandma. for the first time i was whole. none of the pieces were missing any more. after all isn't that the way the media represents reunion ? we all live happily ever after right ? oh how wrong I was. I had begun my self work. I was coming to terms with my new self and my loss that had never been grieved. I wouldn't say I was happy. but i was approaching contentment.then out of nowhere I was hit by something that I never saw coming. SILENCE.. it was as if she had disappeared. no warning, no slow backing off, just gone as quickly as she appeared. All communication stopped. And instantly I blamed myself. What had I done this time? I replayed every mental tape stored in my mind. looked at all the pictures we had taken. and could find nothing .then I got angry. right or wrong I was full of rage. How dare she do this to me. After all she is the one who started all of this. was it her way of getting even with me ? you left me now I get to leave you . That anger still surfaces occasionally. but it is now directed towards adoption in general and not at her . But I think I am seeing a clear view of how things are different for sons and daughters.

from the very beginning they differed on how and what to tell me. My son sat down and wrote me a 5 page letter regarding his entire life..the good and the bad. and trust me it was bad. stories of neglect, substance abuse by a-rents, homelessness. no detail was omitted. He thought I would want to know. ( i did but chapters would have been better than the entire story at once) i was not ready for the truth.my daughter on the other hand was furious when she found out that i knew everything that had happened to them. she wanted to protect my feelings.

at our first face to face meeting. my son pulled out a note book and wanted an instant family tree, with names ages, medical info. He wanted facts not feelings. My daughter on the other hand wanted pictures. who did she look like. where did we live. what led up to our loss. She was searching for emotional data. The following day my son left for Alaska. He had more questions but would email me later. just the facts mam. my daughter and i spent the next 3 days visiting for hours at a time. we spent time at the beach with my new grand babies. talked about how much we were alike. we were or so I thought connecting on an emotional level. After a sad good bye I returned to my home 1300 miles away feeling all was good in my soul. Looking back I think that maybe my next step began the downfall of our relationship. Feeling that I wanted more and thinking that they did too I made a decision to relocate back to my home town to give us some time to get to know each other. If i could change anything this would be it.

my son was happy to have me close by but moved very slow. he made it very clear that although he was happy that I was there , this was not going to interfere with his day to day life. My daughter was totally different, She wanted the mom she never had. The kind that loved unconditionally, didn't judge, and would be supportive and listen. all the things amom wasn't. and that's exactly what she got. I gave her a clear view of what she should have had, what she missed out on. Looking back I'm sure this made her feel anger and resentment towards me. after all she had raised her two children alone with no support from anyone. why couldn't you ? And i beat myself up with the same question.

I guess the moral to this fractured fairy tale is that in my case my son looks at things on a more intellectual level. he analyzes facts. I'm sure he feels something its just buried under the layers of "its not that big a deal" where as my daughter sees and feels the loss more on a surface level.

At present my son and I communicate on a limited basis via email and social websites. I choose not to involve him in what ever it is that has put a wedge between my daughter and I. though he wasn't even aware there was a problem until she refused to see me during a recent visit. As for my daughter and I, the silence on her part continues. I pray every day that , that will soon change.  I keep sending notes of encouragement and will continue to do so unless she tells me to stop.

reunion killed me...

                                                   today was "one of those days" you know them. the days you want to run away or you pray its all a nightmare and any minute I'm going to wake up and it was all just a dream. Its days like this that i flip through my play list and try to find a song that can adjust my attitude. some days its Ozzy, and other days its Tim Mcgraw. all depends on the mood.Ive given up trying to figure out what type of music describes me. because like me it just doesn't make sense.

this is the song that inspired me today. and before you think i have totally lost it. No it isn't a song about suicide. its about killing the old me and reinventing the new and improved me.

the reason I say reunion killed "me" is because basically it did. 18 months ago if I was asked to describe myself I would have said..wife..mother of 2..community activist. high school sports booster mom. girls soccer coach. The picture of a perfect mom. It all looked good on paper. besides nobody knew what was hiding in the shadows. That is until that day when i got the call that killed me.

I was no longer who I appeared to be. the simplest of questions now caused my head to spin. simple things like how many children do you have ?  now had to have well thought out answers.  my life rapidly went from very relaxed and simple to emotional and complex. The old me was dead and the new me had emerged. a bit beaten and battered but hopefully fixable.

it was the best of times it was the worse of times

It was the best of times it was the worse of times. Truer word have never been spoken.
That day my daughter called me should have been the happiest day in my life. and really it was. I was thrilled. My heart was whole again right ? yes it was, for about 24 hrs. I had spoken to my daughter and her twin brother. neither had any hard feelings, or so they said. I slept that night with a peace i had not had in a very long time. the only thing on my mind was how and when to tell my raised children about their brother and sister. yes it would be tough but not insurmountable right ? had I only known that night that this was going to be the simplest task compared to the bomb I would awaken to the next morning.

as i grabbed my morning coffee and my laptop i was so excited to check my email for the promised pictures of my daughters children and any other items that may have been sent overnight. because of course this was after all the best of times just as they were played out on t.v. right ? oh how wrong I was. mixed in among the pictures of my children and grandchildren was a letter that I received from my son that would forever shatter the myth that adoption was the most selfless loving thing a mom could do. and that my children's lives were full of loving moments , happy times, and unconditional love. Because after all I had been told over and over that they deserved better than i could offer. and if i truly loved them I would do the right thing.
                                                                                                                                                                         Enter the worse of times...

Did my children get the big house, private schools, trips to Disney world all those things that I had been told I could never possibly give them ? Absolutely not.. what they did get was a totally dysfunctional family wrought with substance abuse, allegations of child neglect and periods of homelessness. This was the better life ? I think not, and now less than 24 hours into reunion I am thrown into the abyss of guilt, rage and despair. My God what had I done ?  I must have read that letter 20 times that day and it is still in my mail box along with every other communication I have received since then. yes there were good things in that letter also, and I am very proud of the accomplishments of my children in spite of what happened. but every day since then has been a struggle for self forgiveness. The rage boils to the surface and i see and hear the damage done to my children and myself. I know that with time,and support from an amazing group of friends that I am not alone in this  journey and that eventually I will return to the best of times.