I want to preface this entry by saying that I have always loved and missed both of my twins equally. but this entry is about the loss and reunion of my daughter.
On a daily basis I am reminded how we have to treasure every minute of togetherness we have with our reunited children. I never took being with her or my grandchildren for granted. I was thrilled to be an over night grandma. for the first time i was whole. none of the pieces were missing any more. after all isn't that the way the media represents reunion ? we all live happily ever after right ? oh how wrong I was. I had begun my self work. I was coming to terms with my new self and my loss that had never been grieved. I wouldn't say I was happy. but i was approaching contentment.then out of nowhere I was hit by something that I never saw coming. SILENCE.. it was as if she had disappeared. no warning, no slow backing off, just gone as quickly as she appeared. All communication stopped. And instantly I blamed myself. What had I done this time? I replayed every mental tape stored in my mind. looked at all the pictures we had taken. and could find nothing .then I got angry. right or wrong I was full of rage. How dare she do this to me. After all she is the one who started all of this. was it her way of getting even with me ? you left me now I get to leave you . That anger still surfaces occasionally. but it is now directed towards adoption in general and not at her . But I think I am seeing a clear view of how things are different for sons and daughters.
from the very beginning they differed on how and what to tell me. My son sat down and wrote me a 5 page letter regarding his entire life..the good and the bad. and trust me it was bad. stories of neglect, substance abuse by a-rents, homelessness. no detail was omitted. He thought I would want to know. ( i did but chapters would have been better than the entire story at once) i was not ready for the truth.my daughter on the other hand was furious when she found out that i knew everything that had happened to them. she wanted to protect my feelings.
at our first face to face meeting. my son pulled out a note book and wanted an instant family tree, with names ages, medical info. He wanted facts not feelings. My daughter on the other hand wanted pictures. who did she look like. where did we live. what led up to our loss. She was searching for emotional data. The following day my son left for Alaska. He had more questions but would email me later. just the facts mam. my daughter and i spent the next 3 days visiting for hours at a time. we spent time at the beach with my new grand babies. talked about how much we were alike. we were or so I thought connecting on an emotional level. After a sad good bye I returned to my home 1300 miles away feeling all was good in my soul. Looking back I think that maybe my next step began the downfall of our relationship. Feeling that I wanted more and thinking that they did too I made a decision to relocate back to my home town to give us some time to get to know each other. If i could change anything this would be it.
my son was happy to have me close by but moved very slow. he made it very clear that although he was happy that I was there , this was not going to interfere with his day to day life. My daughter was totally different, She wanted the mom she never had. The kind that loved unconditionally, didn't judge, and would be supportive and listen. all the things amom wasn't. and that's exactly what she got. I gave her a clear view of what she should have had, what she missed out on. Looking back I'm sure this made her feel anger and resentment towards me. after all she had raised her two children alone with no support from anyone. why couldn't you ? And i beat myself up with the same question.
I guess the moral to this fractured fairy tale is that in my case my son looks at things on a more intellectual level. he analyzes facts. I'm sure he feels something its just buried under the layers of "its not that big a deal" where as my daughter sees and feels the loss more on a surface level.
At present my son and I communicate on a limited basis via email and social websites. I choose not to involve him in what ever it is that has put a wedge between my daughter and I. though he wasn't even aware there was a problem until she refused to see me during a recent visit. As for my daughter and I, the silence on her part continues. I pray every day that , that will soon change. I keep sending notes of encouragement and will continue to do so unless she tells me to stop.
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