I often find myself wondering why I feel so guilty about the conditions that my lost children had to endure growing up, after all none of this is my fault right ? I didn't choose the people who adopted my children. I didn't neglect my children, I was not the substance abusers. they were. my only part in all of this was being a vulnerable young mom with no support and no options. So why am i so consumed with rage and guilt ?
The moment I heard the truth about my children's adoption experience my maternal instincts kicked into over drive. I think every mom possesses the need to protect their young. We fight for what is ours, and at that moment that's exactly what i wanted to do. I remember plotting and planning what i would do to make sure they felt my rage and fury. How dare they steal my babies and treat them this way. they will pay for what they did.
So what stopped me from acting on this rage ? why didn't I fight for them ? I am thinking it is because the rage is what keeps me going. I owe it to them to be angry . that holding the rage shows that I love them. what mother could not be angry over this. and if the rage goes away all that remains is the sadness and loss. I had been denied to feel sad because I was not allowed to grieve. after I lost my children it was as if they never existed, they were never spoken of again . I survived my own private hell for 28 yrs. I built a protective wall around my heart in order to not feel that kind of pain ever again and I fear that if I take down the layer of rage, the walls will come tumbling down leaving my shattered heart in ruins.
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